THE GAMBLING GRANDPA
After tracking unexplained income over the last few years, the IRD decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to their office. The IRD auditor wasn’t surprised when Grandpa showed up for the meeting with his lawyer.
“Well, sir” says the auditor, “you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRD finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. He then says, “Now, I’ll bet you $2,000 that I can bite my other eye.” Looking carefully, the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, and with Grandpa’s lawyer as a witness, he starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you $6,000 that I can stand on one side of your desk, throw that full glass of water into the wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands on the desk and takes careful aim, but when he throws the glass, water covers the man’s desk, jacket, briefcase, and everything around it.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own lawyer starts crying and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the lawyer. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me $25,000 that he could come in here and throw water all over your office and that you’d be happy about it!”
PARROTING ON
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque.”
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally, the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
