RULES. LIMITS. BOUNDARIES. CONSEQUENCES.
Mums and Dads have lost sleep over these issues ever since kids were first invented. They’re deluged with dire warnings, confused by conflicting advice, and fed-up with fiddly formulas.
What’s fair and what’s not?
What works and what doesn’t?
How can we train our kids to make smart decisions?
If we spare the rod, do we spoil the child?
On and on and on it goes …
There comes a moment in every parent’s career when baby stops being PERFECT and starts being HUMAN – fully capable of messing up, throwing wobblies, and exhausting Mum and Dad.
Do you remember that special moment in the life of YOUR sweet little angel …?
For one lucky mum, it was when her two-year-old found one of those thick, permanent, red markers. “When I wasn’t looking, she scrawled cute little circles on the kitchen floor – and then moved on to the walls, blinds, and lampshades. It suddenly hit me: if I don’t learn some discipline-skills fast, she’s going to wreck the place!”
For one lucky dad, it was the day his toddler snuck outside, turned on the garden hose, and dragged it into the living room – where he proceeded to blast the television like a fireman at a blaze. “Clean, Daddy!” was all he said, as Dad’s face turned purple.
Another lucky parent recalls the time he heard a small voice shouting as he pulled into his driveway: “Daddy, look!” He looked, just in time to see his daughter barrelling across the street – arms flailing like a wobbly tightrope walker – on her new pair of rollerblades. “When I gave her the ‘you-know-better-than-that’ talk – about breaking our don’t-cross-the-street rule – she looked at me with her big blue eyes and asked, ‘Daddy, why do we need so many rules?’”
Good question! She had yet to learn that rules were there for her own protection.
RULES COME IN ALL SIZES
Some are as rigid as train tracks. Others are as bendable as your diet when no one’s watching. Most are just plain sensible – like taking a raincoat on a wet day. But kids need them! We ALL need them!
Like the fences that encircle a farm, rules are designed to protect us from ourselves and from the dangers that surround us. And, although we may kick and squeal, to have any ‘teeth’ at all, those rules must carry CONSEQUENCES.
Let’s face it: how many of us would buckle-up if seatbelt laws weren’t enforced? And how much respect would we have for ‘The Ten Commandments’ if they were just ‘The Ten Suggestions’?
Our kids are born with certain instincts and needs – and very little else. As they grow, they rely on us – their parents – for rules and boundaries to help them navigate this new experience called LIFE.
The first boundary you set was probably about ‘touch’. As your one-year-old reached for the heater, you cried, “No, no – hot!” … and pulled his tiny hand back. That was a LIMIT, imposed to protect him. And because it made sense, he adopted it as his own (but maybe not until he got burnt once or twice while your back was turned – and found out you were right).
But kids aren’t mind-readers. And if we don’t COMMUNICATE our boundaries, we can’t expect them to make the right decisions …
Imagine expecting your child to play rugby without first explaining how this complicated game works. Imagine just pulling on his little shirt, tying on his little boots, giving him a ball, and telling him to “GO OUT THERE AND WIN!” With no coach, no rules to follow, no example to copy, he’d be robbed of the satisfaction of playing well – and scoring.
GETTING THE MESSAGE ACROSS
Maybe you’ve got a baby, and have just launched out on your parenting adventure. Or maybe you’ve decided it’s time to set some limits WITH (not for) your older kids. Either way, these communication steps may prove helpful:
Step 1: Practice What You Preach
Show your kids that YOU respect limits and boundaries – yours, theirs, and others. Set a healthy example.
Step 2: Make Your Boundaries Fair
We can sometimes ask too much of our kids. A boundary that isn’t fair is a boundary that’ll be tested. You can’t expect a two-year-old, for example, to sit quietly for an hour while you try on dresses in a shop. And a too-tough rule for your teenage daughter – “No boyfriends till you’re 18!” – is unfair, and will be challenged. Count on it!
Step 3: Give Reasons For Your Rules
Your kids are more likely to respect your rule if you explain clearly what’s behind it. They’re also more likely to accept the consequences for ‘blowing-it’ when they understand what you had in mind.
I’M ON YOUR SIDE
Let your kids know that you’re setting boundaries (especially the unpopular ones) because you love them and want to protect them – not to make them angry or unpopular with their peers.
Step 4: Clarify The Consequences
Consequences are meant to TEACH – not just punish. If you do 80km in a 50km zone, you’re breaking a boundary. And if you’re caught, that fat fine is a consequence – to teach you not to speed again.
Don’t keep your kids in the dark. Let them know up-front what’ll happen if they ‘blow it’. That takes the blame away from you – and places it squarely on their shoulders. (After all, they knew what would happen.) And for goodness sake be reasonable: don’t, for example, banish your kid to his bedroom for an entire weekend just because he took an extra biscuit after you said, “No more!”
Step 5: Be Consistent
In an ever-changing world, a parent needs to be utterly predictable – especially when setting and maintaining boundaries. Put simply, what’s OK today is OK next month: what’s not is not!
Boundaries should also be consistent between parents. If mum has one set of rules while dad has another, your kids will appeal to the easier parent every time. …
Step 6: Allow Your Kids A Say
One dad recalls the evening his five-year-old son refused the broccoli offered at dinner-time. Dad insisted, “Come on, you’ve got to eat some,” and placed some broccoli on his son’s plate.
“No, I don’t want any,” said the boy. And Dad shot back, “No broccoli, no ice-cream after dinner!” (A cruel and unusual punishment!) So, with his dad monitoring every bite, the five-year-old tearfully finished the broccoli. However, moments later, he had the final word – by vomiting it all over the table!
TRAPPED!
It’s sometimes tempting to paint your kids into a corner – but resist it. Children, especially as they grow older, should be encouraged to participate in rule-making and have a fair say in what’s finally decided.
Step 7: Aim For Balance
A kid with weak-kneed, PUSHOVER PARENTS is not as well-off as he thinks. Sure, he’s allowed to become self-centred, irresponsible, and disrespectful – what more could a child ask for? But it’s a proven fact that (although they may not realise it) kids feel happier and safer under reasonable limits.
GESTAPO PARENTS, on the other hand may win the battle of wills by using fear and intimidation – but they’re bound to lose the war. If our kids are scared of us, they’ll grab the first chance they get to tunnel out and escape.
The solution – BALANCE – is not always easy to find, but it must be our goal. If we’re approachable and forgiving – and if we set reasonable, clear and consistent limits – our kids will feel secure about themselves, their own boundaries, and the boundaries of others.
TOOLS IN A PARENT’S TOOLBOX
Until 1946, most psychologists agreed that rules, boundaries,
and discipline (including periodic spankings) were essential for rearing well-adjusted children. Enter Benjamin Spock (the Doctor, not the Mr Spock of Star Trek fame), who confused a generation of parents by preaching permissiveness in his well-meaning ‘Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care’.
Finally, in 1976, Dr Spock backed down in an article entitled ‘How Not to Bring Up a Bratty Child.’ He writes: “The way to get a child to do what must be done is to be clear and definite each time. I’m not recommending the overbearing manner of a drill sergeant that would rub anyone the wrong way. The manner can be and should be friendly. A firm, calm approach makes a child much more likely to co-operate.”
Do you want to ‘Tame Your Household Terrorist’? Well, take a good look inside your PARENTING TOOLBOX and see what resources are available to you …
1st Tool: Set expectations
Parents sometimes ‘set-up’ their kids for failure, assuming too much and expecting them to obey unreasonable rules – like asking your six-year-old to sit through a five-course meal without having to go to the toilet every four minutes.
Setting expectations work well for teenagers too. Like the father who was disgusted with his son: “We went away for the weekend thinking we could trust him, but came home to find he’d thrown a party in our absence!”
“Did you tell him he couldn’t have a party?” someone asked.
“Well, no. But we shouldn’t have to. He’s 17 – he knows better than that.” Maybe. But that father could’ve avoided all this grief by asking: Am I expecting too much?
2nd Tool: Positive reinforcements
Many parents complain that they’ve tried everything. But they’ve usually overlooked the most powerful tool of all: REWARDS.
CHANGE OF TACTICS
Catch your child doing something RIGHT for a change. Instead of leaping in with another threat: “If you don’t, I will …” try the more positive: “If you DO, I will …”
Says a mum: “One of my daughter’s jobs is to fold her own washing – and it took several reminders over several weeks before the idea sank in. However, one day I discovered that she’d not only folded her own washed clothes, but the rest of the load as well. Her reward? Praise and chocolate, of course!”
3rd Tool: Stern looks
With some kids, one stern look is all it takes to inspire positive behaviour. And many mothers have the ‘evil eye’ down to a fine art – one look is like a near-death experience.
Other kids, however, fail to grasp the meaning behind a stern look. They just think, “Poor Mum – she’s got a headache again!” These kids need a little more encouragement …
4th Tool: Strong words
Verbalizing your disappointment has the same effect on some kids as a punishment might have on others. But you should aim to correct their behaviour at the scene of the crime. Leave it too late, and you might as well stick your strong words back in your toolbox – they’re probably useless now.
And please note: strong words should NEVER include personal put-downs!
5th Tool: Severe warnings
When all else fails, a severe warning tells a kid that his next misdemeanour could result in his arrest! Instead of threatening or shouting, work on your best Dwayne Johnson impression by staying cool, calm, and in control.
“Go ahead, kid – just try it!”
Severe warnings also give your child a sneak preview of ‘disciplinary attractions’ coming soon to a home like his. Things like …
6th Tool: Time-outs
Let’s say your son is caught kicking a ball around inside. You’ve tried stern looks, strong words, and severe warnings, but no go. Well, instead of erupting, call a time-out. Send him to his room for 5, 10, or 15 minutes to “think about your behaviour.” Don’t worry – he won’t. But the time-out will give YOU a chance to calm down and develop your next strategy.
“When our kids were younger,” said one parent, “we ushered them to their rooms clutching egg timers. The timers served two purposes. First, they could watch the minutes ticking away, instead of feeling like they were in jail forever. Second, when the bell sounded, look out – they were on the loose again!”
7th Tool: Lasting natural consequences
“What do I do now?” asked a distressed mum who called a talkback show. “My teenage son won’t tidy his room or even bring his dirty clothes out for me to wash. Then he gets angry because he doesn’t have anything clean to wear to school.”
You might guess the advice that was given: allow him to experience the consequences of his actions. “It won’t kill him to wear a few wrinkled, grubby shirts,” the show host suggested. “If you don’t call his bluff, you might still be doing his laundry when he’s 30!”
8th Tool: Suspension of privileges
Before trying this one, make certain the privilege is really something your kid doesn’t want to be without. And don’t be conned by a quick-thinker who says, “Gee, I’d really miss mowing the lawns, Dad – it helps me feel close to nature!”
GOTCHA!
If you want to slam home a point, ban your kid from all screens for the evening. Or, if he’s a teenager, confiscating his cellphone or ‘grounding’ him on Saturday night is a quick way to get his attention.
Are your kids HUMAN JELLYFISH?
According to psychologist/author Greg Cynaumon, kids who are given no boundaries or limits grow up to be human jellyfish who drift with the tide – pushed around by others, and with no real sense of ‘self’. For example …
The I-DIDN’T-DO-IT child:
Children are natural-born finger-pointers. They’ll instinctively dodge blame for something they shouldn’t have done – and ‘dob-in’ some other poor kid who’s near the scene of the crime.
But persistent blaming is a sure sign of unclear boundaries: this kid has never been taught to take responsibility for his own actions – good, bad, or ugly.
The I’D-BETTER-ASK-MY-MUMMY child:
Adults who’ve never really worked out who they are tend to pass this defect on (like the family’s good silverware) to the next generation. The result: kids who don’t know how to set their OWN limits.
These children are often described in school as ‘sheep’ or ‘followers’. They don’t know about their right to say “NO” – and later in life they may cave-in to the pressures of alcohol, drugs, and sex.
The MOPEY child:
Kids who grow up with vague or absent limits can easily feel let-down because they rely so much on others for their emotional needs. When their ‘caretaker’ fails to show up or perform, they get depressed and wonder: “Am I still loved?” …
“Who’s gonna look after me?”
The I-CAN’T-DO-ANYTHING-RIGHT child:
This kid’s motto is, “Why bother doing it myself when you’ll end up doing it again anyway?” Where perfectionist parents rule like dictators, their kids feel powerless. They know they can’t measure up, so they might as well kick-back and act helpless.
These kids are your classic underachievers – the ones whose teachers say, “She has a good mind, but she doesn’t apply herself.” If this sounds like your child, check out the boundary situation, because a lifetime of underachieving is not a pretty sight.
To sum up: personal boundaries define all that we are and want to be … what we like and don’t like … our prejudices and passions … our joys and sorrows … the things we dream about.
More than anything else, our boundaries tell the world WHO WE ARE.
Can we wish anything less for our kids?
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DISCIPLINE
When his son was four, recalls Greg Cynaumon, he wasn’t content with just watching the fish in their aquarium. “He preferred a more hands-on approach to the hobby. Unfortunately, this was not always healthy for the fish. I repeatedly caught him sticking his hand in the tank, forcing the fish to flee for refuge. So I wasn’t too surprised the day I found a fish lying flopless on the carpet.
“My prime suspect flatly denied any wrongdoing. So, slipping into my best detective mode, I began to investigate the Case of the Flying Fish as a homicide. My son argued that it must have been the desperate act of a suicidal fish. Under oath he remembered seeing the victim performing dangerous back-flips in the tank. ‘He must have been showing off for his friends,’ my son deduced.
“Score one for the little Fish Grabber. I, too, had noticed my tropical fish leaping out of the water on occasion. But the final blow came when my kid pointed out that our tank had no top – ‘Remember, Dad, you were going to buy one!’
“With no witnesses, except one tight-lipped dog, my case was weak. I tried bright lights, the threat of Brussels-sprouts for dinner – I even tantalized him with a family pack of M&Ms. But he never cracked!”
All of which points to the first commandment of discipline …
Commandment #1: Examine the evidence
This is obviously the bottom line: check all the facts and interview all onlookers before filing charges.
Commandment #2: Opt for swift justice
By all means, let your household terrorist sit in his room and ponder his fate, while you consider the appropriate action. But once you’ve considered it – get it over and done with.
DEATH-ROW?
When you discipline, don’t drag it out. Don’t make your kids sit on ‘death row’ for hours (or days or weeks) waiting for a pardon from the Prime Minister.
Commandment #3: Don’t discipline out of anger
Try not to react in the heat of the moment, when emotions are peaking. Some school report-cards actually come with a warning to parents about reacting angrily to a poor grade. Before you lose the plot, call a time-out.
Commandment #4: Keep your word
Avoid making threats you don’t intend to keep. If you warn your terrorist he’ll cop it next time he breaks that household rule, be sure to follow through. You’ll lose his respect if you fail to act decisively.
Commandment #5: Don’t dig up the past
Stay current. Discipline your kids for TODAY’S stuff-up – not the one that occurred last week or last month. Was your teenager caught shoplifting two years ago? Well, bury the incident. It’s not fair to drag it up every time he says, ‘I’m going to the mall.”
A fresh start should go hand-in-hand with discipline.
Commandment #6: Never argue with your kids
Let them put their case – once – but avoid arguing. You’ll just empower them with more authority than they need or want … and you’ll lose. Some kids argue as a stalling tactic to avoid discipline, hoping you’ll get bored and change your mind.
Commandment #7: Punishment should fit the crime
Most kids have a pretty sharp sense of justice. So don’t issue the death penalty for some minor misbehaviour – for instance, if your teenager misses curfew by a few minutes. Let your discipline reflect the severity of the problem.
Commandment #8: Explain what went wrong
Make sure – before you discipline – that they understand what their misdeed was and the motivation behind it. If an apology’s in order, be sure they know WHY – and to whom it should be directed. This’ll help wrap-up the case.
Commandment #9: Never discipline for an accident
Say your daughter spills her drink on the table – not just once (once is usually an accident) but three times. Makes you wonder, eh: did she actually
WANT to spill it? Is she trying to get attention?
Be sure of your ground. And don’t discipline over an accident, unless it was no accident.
Commandment #10: Don’t withhold forgiveness
Some parents stay mad as a way to remain ‘one-up’ on their kids. But that little power game just manipulates the culprit and turns molehills into mountains. By letting go of your anger and extending forgiveness, you’re more likely to help your child do the right thing next time.
EATING HUMBLE PIE
Never forget that saying “I’m sorry” can be a two-way street: most parents need to ASK for forgiveness at times!
LOVE + DISCIPLINE = GOOD PARENTING
Loving discipline. Disciplined love. Your parenting style should include BOTH. Remove LOVE from the mix, and you’re left with a destructive discipline that forces kids to jump through hoops in the hope of earning brownie points. Yes, they may behave for you – but it’s mostly to avoid being punished!
Remove DISCIPLINE from the mix, and you give your kids permission to do as they like. Which has a nice civilised ring to it – right? Problem is, with no fear of consequences it simply doesn’t work.
When you add it all up you begin to realize: parent’s have been given a top-level, super-sensitive, high-priority assignment. We’re to help our household terrorists develop an INNER DESIRE TO DO GOOD.
It’s a job with risks galore and no guarantees. After all, at the end of the day, the choice is finally theirs.
And it’s a job that ends only after they’ve left home, to take up life on their own.
What an incredible CHALLENGE! What are we WAITING for …?
THANKS: INSPIRATION FOR THIS ARTICLE CAME FROM THE BOOK ‘HOW TO AVOID ALIENATING YOUR KIDS’ BY GREG & DANA CYNAUMON.
