IF I WAS WRITING THIS ON A typewriter, this article would have started with a row of crossed-out letters because I initially wrote, ‘I like funerals’, which is true enough, but it’s a rotten line to start an article with. It would give the impression that I am a sadist, enjoying others’ misery. I have my kinks and quirks (probably not a topic for a Grapevine article), but sadism is not one of them. I like funerals mainly because I am a funeral celebrant, which puts me amongst hurting families and gives me the opportunity to help them in their grief. It feels like a significant and good thing to do.
And if I were writing this on a typewriter, it would mean I was still in the 20th century, and funerals were a lot different then. Death itself was much the same – you know, being still, not breathing, lying down a lot – but funerals were far more formal. I still wear a suit, but usually, it’s the only suit in the place, and mine is often the only tie. The music is far more likely to be Rod Stewart than a hymn, and the eulogies often sound like best man’s speeches with jokes and funny stories.
Some funerals are still in churches, but most of the ones I take are in funeral directors’ chapels. One I like has a beautiful water feature with pools and waterfalls through the large windows behind the casket. I have left instructions for my own funeral to be there and for there to be girls in bikinis wading in the pools. (I think black bikinis would be more appropriate for a funeral, don’t you?)
I often see dramas. As a curtain-raiser for battles over the will, families can fight and disagree over almost anything. With emotions already raw from grief, no detail is too small to have an argument over. Accumulating a few partners and having children with each of them is a guaranteed way of making your funeral an interesting event. Also, not every relationship with the deceased ends well. I was reading a glowing eulogy at a funeral, saying what a good bloke he was, when one of his sons started calling out from the front row, “No, he wasn’t! He was a …” and the rest of the family shouted him down.
I do get things wrong. I was asked to pick some music for a sombre, reflective part of a service and told that the deceased was an Elvis fan. I quickly scanned through some of Elvis’s gospel songs and popped one into the system. And yes, it was ideal – dignified, slow and very appropriate for a funeral … at least for the few seconds I had previewed. I didn’t realise it was actually a medley, and the sombre hymn segued straight into a raucous rock number. The lyrics: “I used to drink! I used to smoke! I used to smoke, drink and dance the hoochy-coo!” … and that was just the start. Icy stares from the minister in the pulpit, chuckles from the congregation, and a faint foot-tapping sound from the coffin.
Things can actually go very wrong. A funeral director told me about the bottom coming off a casket as they were carrying the coffin out. Now, at every funeral I do, I fret as the pallbearers lift the casket, and I wonder how I would handle a surprise re-entry of the deceased. Falling down in a faint next to the body is perhaps the best I could do.
A good funeral takes you somewhere. Not to the end of grieving, but along the track towards a place where grief can be coped with. Even modern informal funerals still have a structure to them. The stories, humour and powerpoint of old photos are followed by confronting the reality of death. You have to go through that valley, but you don’t leave people there. You draw them back up with the assurances of family love and friendship, gratitude for the deceased’s legacy of influence and honouring their memory. Often people can draw upon their faith. Then a farewell at the graveside or hearse gate, followed by a cup of tea and asparagus rolls (or mini hot pies if I’m lucky), and lots of loud conversations and laughter. The funeral helps, and I think the stories afterwards help even more.
If you come to my funeral (you’re invited), I hope they say something nice – it doesn’t have to be true. And, if you can, sit somewhere where you can get a good view of those pools.
AFTER DECADES STUDYING FAMILY LIFE, JOHN NOW FOCUSSES ON THE ‘PRIME-TIME’ ISSUES OF LATER MIDDLE AGE. CHECK HIM OUT ON JOHNCOWAN.CO.NZ – ESPECIALLY IF YOU NEED SOME WRITING, EVENT SPEAKING, VIDEOS MADE, OR SOMEONE TO HAVE A COFFEE WITH.
